Discombobulated

Well, there's nothing like a bit of love to derail you from your inner most, heartfelt good intentions! For the past month, doing mitra study has felt like the most enthralling and engaging activity. I became a mitra with the Triratna Buddhist movement about 3 years ago, I ritually declared myself a Buddhist and agreed to attend mitra study once a week, with a group of about 8 women who have also been moved to do the same. Its' changed my life in many ways, the study can often be challenging, meeting opposing views and our own reactions to how it feels to be within a group, talking about what is most deeply in our hearts, and the day to day trials and tribulations we face in the context of our ever deepening understanding of the dharma, the Buddhist path. It is also filled with empathy, understanding, listening, laughing, hugging, chanting, meditating, talking about romance and lots of tea and biscuits. Whilst away in India I have come to realise what value this female group is to me, and I miss them dearly, even the bumpy and uncomfortable parts. Studying here in Inida, alone, without our weekly discussions has reaffirmed my decision to ask for ordination. However, tonight, all I can think about is the male of the species, in particular a 22 year old taekwondo teacher, which is a change form the 40 something's I have been romancing with over the past few years, and the allure of study has drastically wained to a somewhat dry and arid landscape with the odd bit of tumbleweed blowing past whistling the thought "oh yea, I should study".  How the tone of my desire to study has changed. What fluttering beings we are! 

Sitting down to read "This Being, That Becomes" by Divan Thomas, the Buddhas teaching on conditionality. For 6 chapters I have felt so captivated, excited, and inspired by his writing. My mind now flutters and flies from one fantasy to the next. From a singing in my heart that brings a beaming smile to my cheeks, to a whoosh of energy through my limbs that unleashes a desire to jump and leap forwards into the unknown. The words are remaining on the page, and the osmostic way in which they have previously been seeping into my imagination is now non-existent.

I feel fear. And it excites me, it has a tinge of the compulsive to it. I know this feeling very welll. I know the disasters it has been so bountifully pregnant with in the past. I know how deeply and tantalisingly destructive it can be. I also know it's what got me here to India. It's the feeling I sat with courageously on retreat last Summer as I began to create a performance solo. It's the feeling I so intensely felt as I ritually declared myself a Buddhist. I know, when used in a particular way, it can give birth to beauty, achievement, success. The tantric guru, Padmasambhava comes to mind, and I sit and write in my diary, noting these compulsions and where in the body I can feel them. I sense that over the past week I have toppled gracefully over into a pool of sumptious symphonies, submerged in a divine, sparkling, alluring whirlwind of pleasure. I enjoy this, whilst simultaneously feeling fear at the knowledge that this exact feeling has the potential to slowly and quietly transmutate into a darker energy that pulls me off centre and into obsession. For me, experience tells me this is only an inevitable outcome. But I also know I am a human being just as the Buddha was, and I have potential for change, transformation, growth. This deep groove of habitual romancing feels much bigger than me and my capacity to manage it, so it's time to button down the hatches, fill my stores with kindness and awareness, and have faith. 

I remind myself that on the 20th of march I have to leave Varanasi, and leave this "love" in the holy city. A city where devotional song wakes me at 5am every day, ritualistic bells along the ghats clang at dusk as the darkness draws in, the endless spray of colourful sari's and prayer brings a continuous smile to my face and presents a gift of my belief and faith in humanity. For the first time in my life, I have some foresight that joins me and my desire for quick bursts of  pleasure, that serves to avoid loneliness, boredom, myself. I am preparing myself to love and let go. After all, the affirmation says, if we truly love someone, we let them go! I know what they mean but, really?????? The idea of that drives me bonkers. 

Every relationship I have ever had has ended with me being dumped, even the ones who I didn't really like, the ones I would talk to my girlfriends, explaining quite dismissively, "ummmmmm yea, I'm not really sure, I don't really feel that thing, but I'll just give it a go, why not" then perhaps a few days later they finish the relationship with me. I'm left crying in the corner, despite my previous apathy, I feel wounded, abandoned, worthless and despairing. Whether I want someone or not, I always, without fail, want them to want me. As I write, I realise how absurd this is, how selfish in fact, but I know I will feel it again and again. Awarenss and kindness are the beginning steps to transform this pattern. I sense resistance, and a desire to fall wildly in love and to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armour. That age old and quite useless fairy tale. 

Alongside this love story, another thread continues. One of challenge, distress and conflict, and yes, if you've been reading my blogs, you will have guessed it, it's team PWB India. It's week 9 and we continue to storm, relentlessly. For me, however, it's much less painful than it has been for previous weeks, perhaps it's the new found romance and taekwondo classes, either way it's a huge relief not to feel wounded, responsible, blamed. I have come to the conclusion that there is an almost irrepairable dysfunction within the group, unspoken complexities lie deeply and an underworld of resentments fester. This week I can see the depth and vastness of the deep rooted layers of messiness that exist within the team for what it is, as opposed to it being me, the damaged one. The one to point the finger at. I have begun to let go of feeling responsible for this endless terrain of mountainous boulders and hard hitting hail stones flying through the atmosphere. I can see it's a result of the collective, and hopefully I can began to move away from individual blame over the next few weeks. 

However what is difficult for me is my need to blame. I have spent my life blaming myself and others, in an endless journey of polarisation. A constant whisper has danced behind my back, telling me I am not liked, I am the odd one out, I'm not wanted here, I don't deserve to be here. It's a mischievous voice, cunning and crafty. It moves with speed and haste, like the small framed Indians in taekwondo. Centres' of gravity poised and strong, ready for their opponent, and at the right moment energy explodes forwards, backwards, sideways. Darting about with assertion and certainty. The untrained student flies around in response, out of breath, panting, limbs flying, always 2 steps behind, but with a consistent practice she will improve. So I know, with consistency in a skillful intention I can manage this whisper. If I meditate, if I make the effort to pause in my day, if I take time to reflect, if I don't over commit myself, if I can find moments of generosity and kindness. If I can just "be" with fear.

So, it is with sadness yesterday I announced my departure from the team. I will continue with them until the end of Varanasi but I will not join them for the project in Darjeeling. It has been a very tough decision to make, and I feel quite stirred up by the past weeks events. One team member left the team earlier this week, she is staying in a guest house around the corner. I helped her move and I check up on her every day, and the majority of the team continue to isolate her, ostracise her. It saddens me so much to see this happen. After all we are in India, away from home, with no one but each other.  I find it disturbing that four men boldly and immovably stand against one other woman, in a country where being a single white woman can at times be overwhelming. For me I see a display of ego, which I myself am also prone to. It saddens me so much to see this happen, and if anything, with hindsight I am sure something valuable and learned will come from this. As a result I have decided I can no longer be part of the team. With all the good intentions in the world, with the ideals of awareness and kindness, I don't feel able or evolved enough yet to be able to meet this situation with those qualities, so it seems the right time to leave. 

For all the generous people who donated money, this all remains with PWB, going into the charities projects. Despite this team malfunction PWB are doing beautiful work, and the money is always being well used and creating opportunities for vulnerable children all over the world. I have had a sublime time with the children, and I am so very sad not to be able to continue with the work, but I feel it's the best for all parties involved. I will take my three week break as usual, and for the final month I plan to find a women's empowerment organisation to volunteer at, or I will go woofing (volunteering  on organic farms) in the hills. Who knows what the future holds? I feel sad, vulnerable, relieved, excited. I hope to find some acceptance and kindness towards the last weeks events, and I look forward to continuing this adventure, as I now move through the heart of my journey, dancing through India!