Lovesick

Feeling nauseous and tired I cross the laxman jhula bridge, to make my way over into the small tourist town of Rishikesh, dominated by young Israeli hippies. I decide to take a look in the Hindu temple before meeting my dear friend Lloyd for lunch. He arrived two days ago, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to explore India, and unfortunately I have come down with a nasty stomach virus, leaving me either bed bound or very grumpy. Poor Lloyd!

As I upwardly circumambulate the fourteen floors of this religious building, the feeling of sickness and fatigue gradually lifts. I find my breath and stroll gentley and calmly, smiling at the stall owners,  "namaste" I say. They are keen, eager with opportunity. "Madame, only looking, no buying, come, I give you very cheap price". I smile and move on, familiar with the endless conveyer belt of glittering prizes to be bought, rolling along into the westerners gaze, assited by the continuous hard sell of the friendly Indian opportunist. We are consumers, and don't they know it!

I am constantly astounded by how much I consume whilst I'm here, I have so many clothes, objects, possessions. I have made a resolution to myself that when I return to England I will downsize, I will live with less. Whilst I earnestly dwell on this decision, I simultaneously plan what material I am going to buy for a new salwar kameez, and which colour matching bracelets I'd like. It's just so cheap you see! Such a bundle of complex contradictions!

I stroll around the temple gazing at the endless Hindu gods and goddesses. It's the indian holidays, and brightly dressed families of dark skinned beauty intermittently ring bells as a sign of their devotion. I am in love with the indian fashion, the colour, the sparkle, the pride in what they wear. I wonder, what difference does it make if I bow down to these Hindu deities as opposed to the Buddhist deities that I have bowed down to in the past 5 years? I know I'm a Buddhist, and now I've opened up to bowing down to something other than myself, something higher than me, mysterious and so incredibly vast and expansive, I can feel more at home in this Hindu temple than I previously would have. I don't identify so strongly with Hinduism, I can't manage to get past the idea of the caste system that is so entrenched within the Hindu beliefs, but I do love the colour, the devotion, the coming together, the celebrations that is the nuts and bolts of this faith. I engage in a shiva puja, and i feel the effects of walking all the way up these fourteen floors only to come down again. To a large proportion of western society this would seem a pointless act, but now I see these rituals are overflowing with beauty, an opportunity to reflect, a space to taste some freedom. And on my way down, I ring every single last bell with a beaming smile on my face. 

We have now left rishikesh, we took an overnight bus to delhi. The driver was late, and to make up for lost time he drove like a lunatic. For the first two hours of the bumpy ride I really actually thought I was going to die. I started to mentally prepare myself for this possibility, whilst I simultaneously flew up and down in my seat, head hitting the ceiling (no joke!!!!). We spent a night in Delhi and now I'm on a 20 hour train ride from delhi to Darjeeling, and courtesy of the dear Lloyd, we are travelling first class, YO!!!!!

Swit swoo!!! It makes a change from the sleeper class travels I've been used to so far. Each experience has it's pros and cons, I like both! I especially like the earthy and gritty feeling of India you get with being in sleeper class, but move beyond 3 tier a/c, then 2 tier a/c, and you have arrived ever so gracefully into the welcoming calm and spaciousness of 1st class a/c, where one is served a "meals on wheels" dining experience, in actual crockery! Lloyd and I slumped here for twenty hours, playing name that tune "cabaret" style, list the countries of the world through the alphabet, and other mindless travel games, that have led to silliness and hysteria. It's been a treat, and we haven't had one argument on this train! (There have been a multitude of bickerings in rishikesh and delhi so far!!!) One thing I do feel, as we stop at each train station and look out to the platform, Is a slight sense of disgust at my wealth, It feels obscene to be travelling first class. Yet I am still considered relatively "poor" in London! The rich want to be thin, the poor want to be fat. The dark want to be light, the light want to be dark. The absurdity of this all touches me deeply, and I still have a deep yearning to be thinner, more exotic, more physically beautiful. 

My three week break is moving towards its end, and I can't tell you how excited I am about this in many ways. First of all, travelling around backpacker style isn't for me. Moving from one place to another, with no real purpose, spending a few days here and there, not really leaving anything behind, not really depositing much of an imprint on the place or the people in it, feels so empty and pointless. I much prefer staying somewhere for a while, becoming part of the community, absorbing the lifestyle and making connections through having a purpose. I'm keen to get back to Varanasi, to socialise and to start volunteering again. I'm also excited to rekindle flames of romance, but I'm mindful of keeping those flames gentley lit, trying not to fan them too much and build up a colourful firework display of expectation!

As I move into the end of my break, I feel that  90% of it has been coloured by an upset tummy and quite negative mental states. Lloyd thinks I'm lovesick.......... However, his bedside manner has been just perfect. Doctor Lloyd has delivered tonic water, rich teas and momo's!  

I wonder how much of my physical health and emotional well being is linked, I wonder how deeply the premature ending of the tour has effected me, and also the premature ending of the retreat I attended at Tushita in the beautiful Mcleod Ganj. There is so much I could say about both endings, but the key thread I am revealing with both incidents, is they are just as they should be. Everything  is just as it should be. It would be nice to have a shiny finished product with which to show everyone, and I have spent so many years, repeatedly attempting to tirelessly present these products in all areas of my life.If i didn't, I would hide, make excuses, lie, beat myself with negative words, and feel like a failiure. I would go on and set myself up again, ready to go, to attempt the next hurdle of creating a shelf full of successful experiences, all packaged perfectly, properly, presentably. 

This time, in India, I am trying to embrace how these version of events have panned out, and when processing my decision to leave Tushita prematurely, amongst the silent, floating, 60 odd beings, I noticed the first place my mind went....... "What will everyone at home think" it was such a clear thought, which I was able to see, and laugh at, and cry at. It's a thought which constantly dominates my world and although I felt the teaching at tushita was weak, lacked eloquence, and avoided any two way dialogue between student and teacher,  I did gain an insight in being there, so all is not lost.

The teaching felt rather contradictory, a waterjet of facts and formulas to try and manage life, rather than a profound and ethereal teaching of the dharma, encouraging us to take responsibility for our experience. We were instructed to sleep on our right side to avoid bad dreams. My immediate reaction was, "f*#k you! I'll sleep on whatever side I like, thank you very much!". That's the angry teenager in me, afraid of being controlled by any authority figure, which I spotted right away. I took a deep breath into my body and connected with the ground, perhaps this man has something to teach me? But it did seem a little absurd, I mean here we are, on retreat, trying to come into relationship with our universal suffering, bad dreams included. In fact I love a bad dream, and a good discussion about it the next day with my friends, seeing the symbolism that arises from our subconscious. Such a juicy mythical world to be inhabited, full of magic and suffering, so let's not avoid the bad dreams. Let's BRING IT ON! 

We were also informed of "cognitive fusion" and how instead of falling Into this trap of believing someone  is bad because of what they do, we should attempt to separate "person" from "action" which in fact is a very helpful formula, however Glenn then went on to tell us, if somoeone does act negatively towards you, you need to address their negative behaviour. Tell them they need to see a therapist about their negative behaviour. This wasn't a once, off the cuff remark, he said it at least 6 times, probably more. It felt a little ludicrous to me, like "oh yes, I'm a mediating Buddhist, I have decided you're behaviour is "negative" and so you must go and see a therapist". Whatever happened to looking at how we respond to other people? Surely that's where the seed of practice is? perhaps someone does need to see a therapist but I don't think giving this blanket repsonse to 60 novice Buddhist enthusiasts is very helpful. Somewhere along the line you're probably going to end up getting a shiner! 

Then we moved onto the topic of karma, Gawd 'elp us! I can't even begin to explain the ludicrousness of it all, my anger levels rose and decided "I cannot compromise my integrity and stay on this course with this imbecile any longer". In hindsight, I see a very strong reaction, but for the first time, I feel like I had a strong opinion and I acted upon it. I normally sit in self doubt and a lack of confidence, not knowing what decision to make or where to go next. I decided to sleep on my decision to leave, and the next morning I spoke to the course leaders and the director of Tushita before departing. Normally I would've upped and left at the first sign of dissatisfaction, without talking to a soul. I feel accomplished, I have achieved something new, something different, something that I feel will shape me. I feel my sense of right and wrong dispersing into the atmosphere, becoming a haze of nowness, a part of my "becoming". Despite my views, I can accept this retreat centre and what they are doing as useful, just not useful for me. That's quite a relief. I don't need to set up an army of attack against this body of spiritual practice. What's most important is the spreading of the dharma, and I do think they are doing this, just not in a way that suits me. Glen is also a very popular teacher, loved by the Israelies, so I have to swallow my pride and accept that!

So, we have arrived in Darjeeling, and it's beautiful up here in the hills.

The ride here was something to be experienced, and I am feeling very poorly, but the views are beautiful and I am with my dear friend Lloyd! My mind is dwelling in the future of Varanasi. The possible magic it holds, and buzzing with excitement at meeting my romantic endeavour at Cant station at 10:30am on Friday 18th April, ready to board his bike again and snuggle our way through the final month. I'm also dead excited to start working with these beautiful children again!!!